wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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