Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
