someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
