I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
