She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
