Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
