I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
