So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
