I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
