i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
