o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I did not marry a roomba.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
