Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pants are for mortals
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
