can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
