No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
