I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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