How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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