My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
