i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
