Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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