Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
