Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
