Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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