there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
