I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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