I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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