I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
