I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
