Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
