party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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