You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
