the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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