Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
