I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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