Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
