wanna go halves on a baby?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
