I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
