If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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