Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
