Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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