My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
