Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
