If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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