I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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