Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
