WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
