note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
