Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You made out with two different species that night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
did you just send me my own nude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
