i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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