Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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