So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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