we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
