I smell stomach acid.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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