You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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