so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
