I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
