oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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